This week, I thought I made a huge mistake at work, and I let my fear completely take over me. I thought I was done, so I started looking online for a new position, and contacting people in different organizations. I wanted to get a new position somewhat lined up before my employer realized my mistake and decides that I’m not worth the liability. I was FREAKING OUT. I really don’t know how I held it all together while at work, and that no one saw my reactions.
Being told to “step away from the ledge” was kind of a slap in the face. I was like, you don’t know what is going on, and what happened. But it also made me realize that I needed to take a deep breath and really analyze the situation. WHY was I freaking out so badly?
It made me realize that even though I do love my job, and almost everything with it, this is not my passion anymore. I don’t feel like I’m making as big of a difference as I want to in the world. If I kept doing this job, my pipe dream will always be a pipe dream. I wouldn’t get what I really wanted out of life. Do I want to keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of my working life? Because the way the pharmacy field is heading, the answer is NO. We are shifting more away from patient care and more towards metrics and chasing the dollar. I really don’t want to keep doing that for the next 30+ years.
This overwhelming fear of causing patient harm, and realizing that this is NOT what I want to do for the next 30+ years gave me the additional push to go for what I really want to do. Actually, I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I do have an idea. It gave me the push to seek out new opportunities and find my purpose in this life. It gave me the drive to follow this idea, to decide whether this idea IS my purpose in life, or if it will lead to my purpose in life.
At the end of the day, when I was finally called in to talk about what happened, the investigation concluded that what happened was due to faulty equipment, not because of anything that I did. We have had issues with that brand of equipment in the past, so it was no surprise that it failed again. It turned out that I was freaking out over nothing. Or maybe it was the universe telling me that I need to start working on my passion, and not just my job.
Off to find my passion.